Don’t Eat This Breakfast For Weight Loss

What Is The Worst Breakfast Of All?

Well funny answers aside, it’s going to be these cereal-based, put-them-in-a-toaster type things. I refuse to even call them food, and as I know the folks on this project are savvy peeps, I won’t dignify them with a mention. We know they’re crap, the folks that make them know they’re crap, let’s move on.

The worst breakfast is . . . cereal.

At the absolute top of Ollie’s Hate List Of Cereal Killers (see what I did there?) are the ones aimed at children; bright luminuous coloured crap. Want a hyperactive, burnt out, ADHD kid bouncing off the walls? Feed them that stuff first thing in the morning, voila.

Next up is Special K, simply because of the “amazing” Special K diet which is basically starvation principles applied to the masses. Find me a single nutritionist/dietician/nutritional advisor/whatever you-want-to-call-them that stands behind it and I’ll back down. Avoid, end of.

So the breakfast to avoid is cereals.

Where did cereals, as we know them now, come from? This may upset or offend you, but basically Mr Kelloggs was a very religious man who wanted to stop all the young boys in the world from masturbating. To do this, he developed a food that, in theory, leaves you too tired to play with your winkie.

Ignoring the context for a minute, think about that: a food that makes you tired.

A food [substance that your body breaks down into nutrients and energy] that makes you tired [less energy than before].

This is like money that, when put into your bank account, actually decreases your bank balance.

So cereal is Greek currency.

But What About The Fibre?

Um . . . what about the fibre?! Fibre is a carbohydrate that you can’t digest – take your grass lawn, for example – if you had killer molars like a goat, you could chew it up so fine that your stomach acids could actually break down and absorb some of it before it passes out of your digest tract.

Or if you had multiple stomachs, like a cow, it would spend enough time in your system to get broken down that way.

You don’t have either, so the blades of grass would look exactly same on the way out as on the way in and that, my friends, is fibre.

Cardboard also counts as fibre, and incidentally is more nutritious than most cereals.

But Without Cereals, How Will I Get Fibre?! I’m Going To Get All Plugged Up And Die!!

Oh please! The best source of fibre is green leafy veg. This is because it actually does what you want fibre to do without scoring the heck out of your fragile gut-lining (gut-lining is important – someone remind me to tell you about Fishnet Stocking Theory someday).

If you’re this new breed of hard-core paleo who only eats animals then, my friend, you’re STILL meant to eat green leafy veg. I’ll give you a hint: like canines, our carnivorous ancestors ate THE ENTIRE kill – entrails n’ all – so they ate the partly digested vegetable matter in the stomach of their kill.

I love the paleo diet, but seriously some folks . . . either do it, don’t do it, or utilise aspects of it after consideration and research. Picking and choosing the bits that are convenient for you and blithely ignoring the inconvenient bits because they’re a bit yucky means you should pipe down son, yet instead these peeps blog about it and then my clients come to me with “this paleo expert on the internet says I mustn’t eat eggs unless they’re raw” and that’s fine to ask such a question, it’s totally cool and a fair one, but then at daft o’clock in the morning I’m lying awake plotting how to get to Florida to strangle some idiot woman with her own ethernet cable . . . and being British, this may go so far as one day writing a stern (but polite) letter to my local MP. Writing a blog means you’re narcissistic, not expert.

Incidentally, the links between fibre and gut health and only now coming into focus, and the basic drift is that the more vegetable matter you eat the more animal fats you’ll need to repair your gut lining. Veggies: it’s not all clear yet, but I’ll go out on a line and suggest coconut oil, butter and avacados by the truck-load; butter most of all.

Ollie, For Crying Out Loud What DO You Want Me To Eat For Breakfast??

Sorry, tangent after tangent there. Okay, first of all, your most important organ – your liver – is going from sleepy state to wakey-wakey state; around and about 30g of protein will be HUGELY beneficial at this point, as that will contain enough amino acids to get your liver tip top.

You want to be careful of your pancreas here, too, as insulin and glycaemic levels need to be considered; cereals are loaded with extra sugar and raise blood sugar levels which releases insulin, the fat-storing hormone. Unless you’ve been exercising in your sleep (how cool would that be?!) that blood sugar is stored on your hips n’ man-boobs.

If you want a sugar boost first thing, try a glass of fruit juice. (I have it with some liquid aminos stirred in)

For those in an extreme rush, a protein shake will give you that 30g of protein.

The medal-winning standard of breakfast is meat, nuts, and a few berries. To get the gold medal, think wild organ meat, soaked nuts and home-grown (pesticide free) berries.

I Don’t Have Time In The Morning To Cook

I hear this a lot, and it’s bull-droppings.

Go to bed earlier so you wake up more refreshed; pre-prepare your brekkie (a frying pan in the fridge with a chunk of lard, chopped onions and defrosting meat is a regular sight in our house; when I stagger into the kitchen at 5:07am like an extra out of The Walking Dead all I have to do is slam the pan on the hob and switch it on. By the time I’ve made a cuppa, there’s a homely sizzle in the background; by the time I’ve regained the ability of coherent speech I’m laying the table; by 5:38 I’m getting my shoes on, wondering where the hell my cub has put the Gymboss this time and the pan is washed up and drying. By 6:02 I’m freezing my backside off waiting for a late client. By 6:22 I’m on my way home again having realised today is a Tuesday, not a Thursday…)

Eggs: mix the raw eggs into a pint glass, add a finger of butter, stick it in the fridge. It fits in the door shelf just dandy. Leave a clean pan on the hob ready to rock n roll. Come on now, if you can’t make scrambled egg blindfolded and hungover, you really need to have a word with yourself. You make it hot, you stir it, you shove it down your neck. Lesson over.

Make extra dinner, plate up some sliced meat, some nuts, some spinach leaves, maybe some sauerkraut, possibly a few raisins to be decadent, and wop it in the fridge. Consume with a hot drink in the mornin’.

It’s almost all about preparation, but really it’s about habit. Habits can be learned, including this one. If you’re serious about wanting to get healthy, lean and lovely, none of the above should be too difficult.

Out of interest, you may like to try starting your day with cereal and noting every half hour what your heart rate, blood pressure and perceived energy levels are; then, try eating a breakfast of meat and nuts (I find advising bacon and eggs for breakfast goes down quite well with the sceptics!) and repeating those tests. Also, note when you urinate and defecate on both days.

What you WILL find is that you’ll have more energy, a busier digestive system (earlier visit to the throne, clearer wee wee) and if you include a morning workout you’ll lift heavier and recover MUCH faster.

Get a pad of paper and a stop watch, test it, and come back to me if you don’t score better.

For weight loss: measure one week of just this as a variable. If you don’t drop some weight, have a look at your snacking and/or leptin sensitivity.

Cereal I’m Ok With

Raw bran; sprinkling a bit of natural bran on your scrmbly egg or fish salad – at any time of the day – isn’t a bad move every now and then. Get the good stuff though – it should be earthy, slightly moist and squidgy stuff that leaves a slight stain on your fingers when you’ve been handling it. When it’s dried out, chuck it in the compost.


Thank you for reading